Halftino, All me

Ugh, I had a post written up…and then firefox crashed. Frustrating, but sometimes rewriting things has them come outtwice as nice.

I haven’t updated in a while, but it’s hard to get the will sometimes. I feel like I’m screaming into a void. At least LJ provides feedback, comments…but here I only face my own insecurity. But in a way, that is its strength. I write what I want. The void, as it were, needs to be screamed at. And if people will read, they will read.

I’ve been reading up a lot about the One Laptop Per Child program…at first it struck me as hopelessly first world. We want to give these children laptops while they live on far less than we do? But it’s grown on me, and now I see the potential there. We have the capability to give people autonomous learning devices that can connect them. Education HAS to be modern, because the world is relentless in its progress. People may live on nothing, but they will always live on nothing if they cannot be jump started.

Uruguay was the first country to provide a laptop computer to every student, and that is incredible. These children are now blogging about the experience…we can see their thoughts, their pictures, their festivals, their class pets. If the program goes well, I am absolutely happy giving Negroponte the last laugh. In these blogs I see an incredible power. The world is getting connected. We are, ever so slowly, tearing down the barriers of socioeconomics and ignorance and education.

Access.

I cannot wait to read blogs from rural Africa, or the arctic circle. Technology definitely has a dark side, but I do not think this is it. This is a banner for free software and taking a step back and saying: how can we use this incredible thing, technology, to make the world a better place? While people worry about twitter and tumblr and facebook and whatever, these kids are being heard for the first time.

ROAR. What does the void have to say?

I’m hoping when I am in Uruguay I can track down an XO or two On that note…Uruguay. I’m going to be there in under 3 weeks. It’s almost…too immense to even think about. The reality of it is so imminent that to try and think about the this or the that feels like a joke, swallowed up by the future that looms so close. I’m SO excited, and I don’t even know why. New family, new experiences, new country, new language. New new new. First. I feel this could be life defining in so many ways I don’t even know to expect. I will be different. Is this something that other people aspire to, or just me? To relentlessly be a different person tomorrow than I was today, to know that in a years time I’ll be almost unrecognizable to myself.

My friend started work earlier than expected, so now I’m up to my own devices. I don’t mind it, it’s a chance to be bored. In small doses, I think that’s important. It’s like when you put ointment on a bad cut and it stings. There’s life there. I don’t want to get cut often just like I don’t want to be bored often, but it’s a chance to pull the flush on life. As the water drains, some flotsam remains in my brain…the thoughts I can’t get rid of or won’t get rid of or don’t want to get rid of. Just me and them as I read watch listen through the nothingness. It’ll be gone soon and I’ll thank my lucky stars when it is, but at the same time it is a gift. For me, these periods of boredom are where I process meaning. Like a two sided tape, I’m pressing pause and flipping to the other side. Without it, progress would be impossible, but it is not the progress. Progress comes on side B, progress comes in Uruguay. But for now I’m flipping the tap over, the music stuck in my head, still beating my foot along. Moments that let you know you love the music. In this case, moments that let you know you love life.

I think I get it, I guess. It’s a unit that not only gives you a set of people who should, in theory, always be by yourself…but it grows. It’s organic. You become and help create this organism. I think it’s much stronger a fiend than I imagined, although perhaps fiend is the wrong word. I only label it a foe because it’s inside all of us and it’s so strong, that impulse. It preys on everything that makes us insecure and it is good. But is it good enough? Or does that even matter? That’s the struggle. Do you shoot for everything, for greatness, and incur the loneliness it implies…or do you settle for what is, in all probability, the easiest and best way. Maybe you can have both, I don’t know. Right now things are both the most stable and the least stable. These are days I won’t get back.

I wonder how a parent feels when their child turns 16. Or 1. Or 30. Is there a sensation that could compare to hearing others heap love upon something that started out as a heap of mucous? If the Jonathan of the moment has his way, maybe I’d never find that out. Is it a sensation worth sacrificing effectively your whole life for?

I think, as always, I grapple with meaning. I know there is none, and so we just live. But I think I live in the academic delusion that if I work hard enough at something, the answer will come. But I know the answer, the question is do I feel it. Do I live it. And that’s what it’s all about. The cards are all on the table: nothingness always wins. The cards on the table I just don’t know how to feel them. Things like this aren’t about understanding, it’s about internalizing something bigger.

And of course, this post just sounds like a whole bunch of horseshit because it is horseshit. I’m trying to intellectualize. There’s a part of me that things it would be really amazing to find someone cool, someone with a cool family…to be able to experience the joyous possibilities in that. But then…I haven’t even explored my own family yet. Of course, I hope to rectify that, but still…there’s so many joys out there, unexplored. So many stones unturned. And yet, the conventional route is the conventional route for a reason. Probably, as with all things, there is a compromise. In 4 years I’ll be able to say in a sentence what many paragraphs can barely convey. I want to LIVE. Don’t we all? But I think that living encompasses a whole lot of things. And while I love the intrepid, I’m not an explorer. I’ve never been an explorer. I just…am comfortable being a stranger. In a sense I yearn for it. I yearn for the new. I don’t need an adrenaline rush, I just need to know that I’m never taking for granted the incredible opportunities out there. I don’t want to be tied down.

And yet, one day, we all die. We all get old. We all wither. We all get tied down. I want it to be on my terms…and maybe on my terms means a family that loves me (one can hope, when it comes to such things!), from whom I derive joy. A family is about stages, as is life. You start as a kid, then strike out on your own and eventually, have kids of your own. You get to see life from all those stages. What happens when you cut that out. I don’t know. Now I’m rambling.

We leave for Minneapolis in two days.

Man, so many people turn to alcohol when they are down. It’s just never an impulse I picked up. It’s just not a connection I make. Maybe that’s partially also because alcohol affects me quite a bit, but I dunno. There are definitely people who get beyond fucked up…vomiting and all that, over and over again. I just don’t have the fortitude for it, or the desire.

I wonder if it’s connected to the same reason I think people start drama…it’s little ways to jumble life into chaos, to lose control and in a sense, make your life interesting. At least the pain, as they say, is real.

I think the only pain that’s real to me these days is the crushing weight of is. That which is. that which will be. To be. Not in the sense that it is painful, but that it is such a burden to live up to. Our selves are the only truly unique gift that we have, existence entirely incapable of being comprehended. What do we do with it?

I just watched Man on Wire, and it was very cute. A complete little documentary about someone who accomplished something beautiful, something the vast majority of us would never risk anything for. I love things like that. A life spent in the pursuit of beauty and nothing more.

I have this song stuck in my head

Hold On To Me

Yarg. Whatcha gonna do? Currently blasting it on the ‘rents speakers.

Being in Texas has been fun. I’m blowing through money like there’s no tomorrow, though, so I should probably take steps to stop the hemorrhaging! Seriously, eating out all the time absolutely kills. Absolutely. Yuuck. Makes me realize that while I wasn’t even super spendthrifty in Philly, I didn’t really spend all that much.

Today is my cousin’s birthday! I don’t know why you’d care. I sent her a little card with a CD mix that I made with cheesy pop dance hits, we’ll see what she thinks (assuming the Uruguay post doesn’t lose it haha).

Much to my shame, I’ve been playing Magic: the Gathering with some friends… man, I loved that game. I always feel guilty about it though, because it costs money. Would chess still be a classic if it took an investment of cash? Would it still be a legitimate and worthy strategy game? Oy. Not going to drop any cash at the moment, but if I thought there was even a chance I could play in SF, to my shame I might even.

The offer letter should be in the mail now. They asked me if I would sign, I said yes. I have until November, but I’m not playing games. It’ll just be nice to be done with that part of the process, but it’s strange to make all of these decisions that affect you for years down the line. A 2 year commitment? Damn. Years and years of loans? Next up its 30 year mortgages.

It’s a necessary evil to get ahead, I suppose. You trade commitment for opportunity. Still, I can’t help but think that long term, my goal is to be able to live free of such ties. To transcend them. But how…

I was moved from couch 1 to couch 2 in the lamest power play I’ve ever seen. It doesn’t really matter to me, but it does sort of heighten the disconnect between my own brain and that of so many others. What makes them tick? Then again, I’m sure in my own moments of irrationality people wonder the same thing. I think people are constantly thinking about this (then again, I think some people never really think about such things at all). It’s just amazing to me that this thing I have that drives my consciousness feels so real, so absolute…and yet it varies so heavily from others. And that’s true of all of us. Do any of us experience reality in the same way?

Last night went down to The Pub (actual name!) and had a good night of drinking. It’s just…different down here. It’s the only bar I’ve ever really been able to abide. I do miss drinking on the porch though. Heck, I miss the porch. I know a LOT of really great people. I hope that I meet more. I guess the sense I’ve always gotten from life is that people stop making friends the older they get…but is that really the case? Is that just my narrow experience, or the false signal I got from my youth? Who knows.

Not sure where my head really is these days. Things are good and I’m happy, but it all feels so incredibly transient. It IS so transient. I wonder if that’s the life I’ve chosen. What a hilarious notion, even that. Choosing my life, now. I have no fucking clue. What I have chosen, however, is to try and much as I can to avoid the seduction of an easy, boring life.

We’ll see how that goes.

Just went back to sleep. It’s an executive decision, but I feel weak for making it. Naps! I don’t do naps. I guess I do do naps, just undr certain conditions.

I have some very, very weird dreams sometimes. I’m not the type who usually remembers dreams, but when I do they have always been so vivid. The strangest thing about dreaming, for me, is that I only really realize I’m dreaming when the fabric of the dream becomes to come apart. At first it will seem completely real, but once I realize I am dreaming, once I can process it, it fades. So inevitably, all I remember is the feeling of complete immersion. It’s sort of like how right now, this moment feels incredibly real. But in an hour, in a day, in a year, it will fade completely and there will only be the residue.

What to do for dinner…

I won’t say I didn’t expect to have to be awake early in the morning again, because I did. The sort of fatigue you feel when you only get about 4 hours of sleep is one that I knew I’d feel again, but like all sensation, it had faded a bit. Thankfully, it’s honestly not so bad, but it usually comes when you don’t expect it, and I like it that way.

Been thinking a lot about settling and happiness and doing and not doing. I don’t think there are easy answers, but I’ve always been the sort of person to go for the hard answers. I don’t know that the hard answers are out there anyone, and I just keep telling myself that if I live with integrity, that if I reach out for the brass ring (whatever that means in this case)…if I fail, that it was worth it. At least trying is more than most do.

All summer long, I’ve been accumulating firefox tabs. These ranged from a variety of subjects… linguistics, spanish, gnu radio, movies, everything. I just sort of would open tabs in new windows, knowing that I’d get to them…oh, about now. Today, firefox crashed and said it couldn’t recover them -_-

But it was cathartic. Sometimes you need that moment to realize: they were merely convenience. I mean, I don’t NEEd a bunch of ridiculous tabs. For serious. So it forced me to hunker down and refind the tabs I CARE about.

I’m getting on my Spanish studying. Doing it more formally. There are a ton of great resources, and I’m finally using them. One really nifty program called Anki is basically a flashcard manager, and it is a nifty way to keep practicing vocabulary and whatnot. Lots of other resources. Still, my accent is incredibly thick and my listening comprehension isn’t the best…but I have noticed I’ve gotten better. At least by being able to understand things that much faster, I get blown over less in spoken conversation.

We’ll see how I hold up in Uruguay. Right now I’m sort of in the insecure “oh god I can never learn it” phase, where if I forget even one word it’s a SIGN that I’m LOSING MY SPANISH!

Ridiculous, yes, but that’s how insecurity is. Thankfully it’s nothing too serious. I forge on!

So I’m going to send my cousin in Uruguay a CD with some jams on and a card for her birthday, she liked some of my music so I tried to choose some poppy type house that she might like. Here’s the playlist I made:

David Guetta – Love is Gone remix
David Guetta – When Love Takes Over
Laurent Wolf – No Stress
Cut Copy – Hearts on Fire
Lady GaGa – Lovegame
Justice – DANCE
Bob Sinclar – World, Hold on
David Guetta – Love Don’t Let Me Go
Cut Copy – Far Away
Katy Perry – Hot N Cold
David Guetta – Baby When The Light
MSTRKRFT – Bounce
MGMT – Time to Pretend
The Ting Tings – Great DJ
The Ting Tings – That’s Not My name
Lady GaGa – Poker Face
Banco de Gaia – Tongue in Chic
Rex the Dog – circulate

To me, making a playlist is all about risk. How much risk do you want to take? I definitely wanted to add some riskier tracks, because if the rest of the CD is good (this is why I frontloaded it with what I felt would be safer tracks), you don’t really lose a whole lot…and maybe you’ll find they like some of the other tracks. MGMT was medium risk, The Ting Tings the same…Cut Copy was a little higher risk I think but if she likes them, she is in for a treat because they rock. Banco de Gaia and Rex the Dog are definitely the riskiest, the latter being straight up electro house, and the former being poppy but in a different way. But I will not rest until I try my darndest to bring Banco to Uruguay, and Rex is quickly becoming a favorite listen (the fact that I discovered him just this summer, and yet he ranked well in my top 25 is telling). The real question is can he keep delivering…which is hard with DJ’s, because it’s hard to find their stuff! That’s actually gonna be a weird part of Uruguay: no DLing music, haha But hopefully my cousins can turn me on to some Spanish music.

So I think I’m going to try and make it out to Chicago while I’m in Minneapolis. I knew that one DJ I like a lot is playing there…then I found out ANOTHER DJ I love is playing the day before…and then I find out that the first DJ is playing with another DJ I’ve always wanted to see.

:O

So yeah, definitely going to try and make it down. I’ve never been, so maybe with a day lead just to explore the city and stuff, but mainly I just want to see not 1 but 3 awesome groups!

I find myself getting more and more excited about going to Minneapolis myself. While obviously, the move is not for me, I still think it’ll be a lot of fun to see a new city and hang with my friend. Hopefully I will skip out as the cold gets too unbearable! It’s easy to find my thoughts drifting to Uruguay…right now, it’s sort of a balance. The sheer excitement, balanced with “what the hell are you going to DO.” But 7 months is almost incomprehensibly long (and when it’s over will feel far too short, I’m sure). I guess I’m just vaguely afraid that I’ll be boxed away, unable to learn spanish, twiddling my thumbs. Obviously ridiculous, but that’s how fear is.